When I journal in the morning and write my affirmations the following is almost always included: “I am worthy of all that I dream and desire.” And while I understand it, there is always a clause that follows — one that states I am more worthy the more perfect I am. If I am skinny, then I am worthy. If I am flawless, then I am worthy… and so on.
But life has a twisted sense of humor. You see nearly three years ago, I would have described my life as nearly perfect. If there were ever a time to be worthy of all of the blessings I am currently receiving, it would have been then. Instead, life delivered the opposite. My perfect life fell apart. Despite being a perfect 130 pounds, it wasn’t enough to save the relationship I was in and my perfect body wasn’t quite perfect enough to stop the long process of three knee surgeries severely limiting my ability to do what I love: working out and training Muay Thai.
Over the course of these three knee surgeries, I have packed on nearly 40 pounds… and the most amazing things are happening to me — right now! How is it possible that while at my “best,” the worst happened to me, and now at what I perceive as the worst (at least in a physical sense) the best things are happening to me?
It had to happen this way for the evolution of my being (heart, mind, soul). Life had to take away the things I wanted (or thought I wanted) to get me to do the real work that was needed. So much good and healing have come in the last three years.
I have come a long way but still, hope to arrive at a point where I don’t feel the need to justify or explain to everyone that I look “this way” or have put on weight “because I’ve had 3 knee surgeries.” Instead, I hope to just truly believe that at any weight, I am worthy and that at any weight, who I am — the essence of my heart and character, is worthy of anything I dream and desire.