It’s said that: “lessons in life will be repeated until they are learned.” And if it’s true, I’d venture to say that the longer it takes for us to understand the lesson, the more clearly the message will be delivered to us.
I’m not sure when I started hating my body… I have very vivid memories of critical judgment of my body right around junior high, and I’ve carried these feelings of judgment all the way into my 33-year adult self.
Loathing my body is ultimately what led me to Muay Thai as a New Year’s resolution in January 2005. I’ve ranged from 225+ pounds to 120 pounds in November 2014. Yet, even at that weight, I found flaws with my body.
It’s interesting to me that even at 120 pounds I never felt great, proud of, or loved my body. In 2015 I underwent two different knee surgeries that kept me from working out the way I desired for the entire year.
I have to wonder if working out was taken from me as sort of a test, to force me to love myself and my body where I am… I’m not as heavy as I’ve been before and I’m not as skinny as I’ve been before. Although I can’t say that I love my body, I’ve worked really hard this last year to accept it.
For the longest time growing up, I wished I could switch my metabolism/health with my older brother. I was always so envious that he could eat anything and stay so thin. He’s 39 years old, 5’8″, and 125 pounds… and he also has Secondary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis… When he was diagnosed nine years ago, it was the first time I realized that maybe carrying a few- or several- extra pounds wasn’t so bad after all. And that while my body wasn’t that of a swimsuit model… it was functional, healthy, and free of disease.
I used to make resolutions to lose a certain number of pounds; I no longer focus on that. Instead, I focus on treating my body with respect — giving it real, healthy food, exercising, and thinking about it in a positive way with gratitude for all that it is and with hope for all that it will be in the future.
Here’s to loving yourself exactly where you are today.